Bro help

[Homestuck]

so i've had this prompt up for a bit and ive had a few connects (that ultimately disconnected) and i'm not so much bothered by that usually but since I've never roleplayed bro before i thought i may as well....post my prompt here. get some critique and help fleshing stuff out.

i'm no writer now so be gentle on my grammar! but i would like to be accurate on character representation (though bro i guess is a pretty blank slate, considering you can only kind of infer what you know of him through dave and dirk). ANYHOW....i offer u....my bro

The Bahamas had been the shortest trip available at four nights and five days, but no. No, oh no. Dave had made absolutely sure that If he was going to trap Bro in the middle of the ocean on a metal vessel full of middle upper class strangers, that he was going to do it for the longest allotted time he could get away with. That, much to Bro Strider's initial dismay, would be nine nights and ten days, in the Caribbean. Premium suite.



'Breathing-taking natural beauty and old-world charm' mocked the accompanying pamphlet, handed to Bro alongside the ticket.



Of course there'd been an argument, but Dave was 'All Grown Up' now, at a ripe old age of nineteen (very mature), and the little man had long since stopped rolling over belly up whenever Bro put up his usual stony resistance. Bro figured he only had himself to blame for the kid's smart mouth and over-inflated adolescent pride, but Dave had insisted that this trip would be good for Strider Sr. Whether this really was a present rather than a punishment in disguise was questionable, and Bro would have happily forked over ten times the amount the ticket had cost to reimburse his little brother if this was some kind of joke. Unfortunately, Dave had also long since learned the art of statuesque body language. Again, Bro would have to point to himself as the culprit of that take-no-prisoners stance Dave locked himself into against the kitchen counter.



Not that it was perfect posture; after raising a kid for so many years a guy knew his own rugrat's tells pretty well, but Bro hadn't been able to interpret whether the nervous curl of Dave's lips or the way he always shifted onto his right foot when he was anxious was something honest, like hoping Bro would enjoy the ticket that he'd been gifted, or because his intentions were nefarious.



In the end, Bro accepted the gift with silent resentment against Dave's pushing, and after Christmas, the blond man left to ring in the New Year in the islands.



The flight to Florida had been uneventful and so did boarding the cruise itself. Mostly, it had been a crowded pain, stuck between sticky, red faced tourists in board-shorts and campy 'Hawaiian' polos. Not that Bro was dressed much different, his own ensemble complete with a bright orange fanny pack and plastic lei for the Highest Effect. It wasn't until late evening that he got on board and the ship set sail, and Bro realized he had been grinding his back teeth together for the majority of his wait in impatient anticipation. It was only when he checked into his room that he felt a little bit better.



Bro had tediously checked over every surface of his suite, including the balcony, running his fingers carefully along the large sliding glass doors that lead out and examining each corner for any damage, leaking or a lack of structural integrity. There were no hairs on the sheets and after locking and unlocking the door several times he determined that forcing it would be extraordinarily difficult to do. Good. Falling back on the bed, cap off beside him, Bro let out a long sigh to himself, staring at the light just over head. Lil Cal had been safely propped up against one pillow, leaning to one side as if the poor guy felt just as hot as Bro did. It was muggy here like it was back home, the water weighing down the air so heavily that it almost felt like he was drowning in the heat.



He could always work the vacation away from the safety and comfort of his spacious suite, or he could even catch up on some sleep.



Nah, wouldn't fly. If this was a real gift (still doubtful) Bro couldn't very well squander Dave's efforts to try and do something half decent for his adult guardian figure. Bro would have to participate in this...nonsense. Eating, gambling, tanning on the beach. Grabbing a fist bump of support from his main dude, Bro heaved himself out of the bed and slapped on his cap once more, pushing his shades far up the bridge of his nose.



Fine, Dave. Game on.



He'd play. He'd be the slickest tourist there was. He'd drink a pina colada out of a goddamn coconut and take selfies with the sunset in the background. Chat up the local soccer mom and her sun-burnt husband when he was six coronas in. He'd buy Dave a souvenir. Sand in a little glass vile that was engraved with his name. That kind of bullshit. It was late enough now that the bar was probably in high swing, sun setting over the ocean for the first night of festivities. Bro secured his fanny pack against his narrow hips and made a direct line towards 'food and fun', took his seat at the bar and ordered a tall mojito.



Night one of Nine.

[Homestuck]

SWEATS

maybe ill take the silence as a 'its perfect u are the best bro ; ) '

[Astro]

that is a correct interpretation of the silence in my opinion ;;;; )

[dirkshead]

It's puffier than I personally would like. All of this is subjective, naturally.

To me, though, it dances around too much and that's a bigger deal early on, when people are trying to figure out what the prompt is and how they might fit into it. You do say pretty clearly that it's a ten-day Bahama cruise very early on, that's good, but after that it wiggles into a bit of backstory, a bit of introspection, details on Bro's luggage...a lot of that is written well but ultimately not all that important to the mood or plot. So we can indirectly get the idea that this Bro thinks a lot, doesn't say much, doesn't interact with people, and is a little resentful of being on the cruise at all. All of which may be accurate or not, but might not be what you were aiming for in terms of finding a partner.

It also takes a lot of reading and a lot of internal dialogue to get to the bottom of the prompt, where we find the actual point of interaction: Bro is at a bar. Is there a more efficient way to convey this important info?

[Chairubplay]

I also think that the setting is what might be keeping more people from responding. Bars are easy enough to write, they're simple, tried and true, all that, but less people have been on cruises and might not find the setting appealing enough to respond. Unfortunately, there's not really much to be done about it and depends on the taste of the people responding, but a good number of people on the site that might have responded otherwise might refrain just due to the whole cruise aspect.

[Homestuck]

dirkshead

Ahhh I see what you mean, but I typically format my prompts with long exposition since I like giving off a good representation of my character and writing style to potential partners! But I see how you mean it's extra fluffy. How'd you suggest I cut it down?

Chairubplay

Yeahh okay I can see that for sure. I also have never been on a cruise 8y maybe I could put a disclaimer in that accuracy isn't really an issue for me...

[dirkshead]

Homestuck

Pretty simply, less exposition. There's a point at which more detail stops being informative and starts getting in the way of the important things. This prompt seems like it's gone a bit past that point. Less thinking, less backstory, more doing and more dealing with the actual environment your partner will be in (the bar). Leave most background to be salted gradually into the RP itself, and unless you're asking for a Dave, whittle down the Dave-focused parts. He's not there and doesn't warrant that much screen time.