French corsair Eridan

[Dave Strider]

THE PROMPT YOU'VE ALL (me included) BEEN WAITING FOR.

I'm going to be posting it soon, I just need to switch to my laptop before, my back hurts like hell, I need to lay down lmao.

For this I'll be looking to rp with pretty much anyone, with a big, BIG preference for Dirk.

Reverse seasick, that's how Eridan would say he felt, when he set foot in the harbor of Saint Malo for the first time in literal months. Immediately after getting off his beloved ship, La Jalouse, he felt some sort of strange motion sickness. Except there was no motion - he had both feet on the cold hard ground. But it wasn't all that surprising, considering the amount of time he had spent sailing.


But he had only little choice in his lifestyle - the King had ordered for La Jalouse to bring back every and all riches its crew had gathered. And, believe it, Eridan was very efficient, when it came to looting. Oh, of course, for now, most of his victims were smaller ships, and he hadn't crossed path with Spanish or British marines just yet. But when he would, he had no doubt that his crew would do what to do. He would come out victorious from every battle, just like his great grand father, the renowned Dualscar did.


Living up to his great grand father's legacy, that was Eridan's goals in life. Hell, no. He wanted to be *better* than his ancestor. Dualscar had died a fool's death, at the hands of dissatisfied aristocracy. Eridan wouldn't allow himself to have his own name put to shame like this.


Most of the crew had immediately went off to the fortress' renowned bars and taverns, for the women, for the beer, for the rum. And part of Eridan yearned to join them. Other part of him knew that his responsibility wouldn't allow him to wander off his ship before a good while. First, there was an inventory to make. Then, cannons to fill. Weapons and gunpowder to be ordered from the city's best blacksmith. The riches had to be shared with the royalty while they were still on land. Those were such tiring, boring tasks.


The remains of his crew was embarking barrels of food, for the moment. And Eridan was on the decks, barking orders at the top of his lungs.

[Dave Strider]

In all honesty I'm not all that happy with that prompt. Any help or criticism to improve it is welcome!

[Chairubplay]

Apr 21, 2016 14:29:48 GMT Dave Strider said:

Reverse seasick. That's how Eridan would say he felt when he set foot in the harbor of Saint Malo for the first time in months. Immediately after getting off his beloved ship, La Jalouse, he felt some sort of strange motion sickness, except there was no motion - he had both feet on the cold hard ground. But it wasn't all that surprising, considering the amount of time he had spent sailing.


He had little choice in his lifestyle; the King had ordered for La Jalouse to bring back every and all riches its crew had gathered. Eridan was very efficient when it came to looting, that much had to be believed. Most of his victims were smaller ships for now, of course, and he hadn't crossed path with Spanish or British marines just yet. But when he did, he had no doubt that his crew would know(?) what to do. He would come out victorious from every battle, just like his great-grandfather, the renowned Dualscar. Living up to his great legacy, that was Eridan's goals in life. Hell, no. He wanted to be *better* than his ancestor. Dualscar had died a fool's death at the hands of dissatisfied aristocracy. Eridan wouldn't allow himself to have his own name put to shame like this.


Most of the crew had immediately went off to the fortress' renowned bars and taverns, for the women, for the beer, for the rum. Part of Eridan yearned to join them. but the other part of him knew that his responsibility wouldn't allow him to wander off his ship before a good while. First, there was inventory to take, then cannons to fill, weapons and gunpowder to be ordered from the city's best blacksmith, and riches to be shared with the royalty while they were still on land. Those were such tiring, boring tasks.


The remains of his crew was embarking barrels of food for the moment, while Eridan was on the decks, barking orders at the top of his lungs.

I did a little tweaking. Your ending is a little abrupt, I'd suggest adding in a little extra narration, maybe he goes belowdeck to his quarters and sees someone, but whether it's a member of his crew or a stranger can be left up to your partner's discretion.

[Dave Strider]

Thank you for your advice!! I'll use the tweaked version, if you don't mind. Also, I tried adding one more paragraph in the end, and it goes like this:

The remains of his crew was embarking barrels of food for the moment, while Eridan was on the decks, barking orders at the top of his lungs. However, a call from one of his crewmates, aboard the ship, did interrupt him. Exasperated, he returned on the ship (though he would admit he was not that unhappy to feel the familiar swell of the sea beneath his feet), only to be told that a sailor had seen someone get on the ship. Someone that definitely wasn't part of the crew.



Eridan heaved a sigh. There were enough rats on his ship as is, but no, now he had to go hunting for them *himself*.

[hanka]

'remains' is plural, so it would be 'the remains of his crew were.' take the 'did' out of the grandfather dualscar sentence, there's no need for dangling participles. you also use a bunch of passive voice ('inventory to take', 'was to be', 'had to be') and it kills the flow. see if you can shift your word order around to minimize that, since it interrupts an otherwise great prompt. passive voice is for lab reports.

also this prompt makes me want to drag my pirate vriska out of storage. damn you.

[Dave Strider]

Thank you! I corrected those. Does "First, he had to take the inventory, then fill the cannons, order weapons and gunpowder from the city's best blacksmith, and share riches with the royalty while they were still on land." sound more natural?

[Dave Strider]

I'm going to piss my pants

[Chairubplay]

Good luck!!! You can do it!!!

[Dave Strider]

THEY POSTED THEIR FIRST REPLY AND I'M LITERALLY TREMBLING THIS IS SO GOOD AND I AM SO INTIMIDATED. Also Eridan is probably going to die.